Follow the Red Threads of Perpetual Alchemy

This human came into my life. Something profound happened between us. They helped create a space in which I changed.

I love them.

I don't need to own them. I don't need to define the relationship or know where it ends for that love to be real, no matter what it looks like. There are many types of love, not just romantic love.

This is a highly vulnerable post about a human who had a profound impact on me simply by existing and being who they are.

But I think this is more than a love letter to them.

It is an unconditional love letter to them, to myself, and maybe even to the universe for somehow crossing our paths when it did.

It is also a love letter to love itself.

To the kind of love that doesn't need to possess. That doesn't need to control the outcome. That doesn't need to force a relationship into a definition so we can understand what it means or know where it's going.

Sometimes profound, deep love can simply exist.

You can love another human for who they are and what their existence has meant in your life.

You can let that love ebb and flow, change shape, breathe, and be whatever it is without constantly trying to name it.

Maybe we would experience a lot more love if we stopped believing every kind of love needed to become something.

Maybe sometimes we can just let love exist in all its forms.

So, this is my unconditional love letter about the way one human changed my life—and the way knowing them helped me change my relationship with myself, with others, and with love itself.

Fuck it.

Let's hit post.....

_____________________________________________________________________________________

There are people, places and things that drain you. Alternatively, there are people, places and things that fill and nourish your soul.

Sometimes connections don’t fit into tiny perfect boxes because they are meant to expand us.

Today I am going to talk about an unexpected meeting that happened when I needed it most.

I was feeling stuck. I was frustrated. I had given up on meeting friends and people who could meet me in my depths and where I was. I knew something had to shift and change, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t figure out the missing piece.

Turns out that missing piece was me.

The person I am going to talk about today didn’t complete me or anything like that. They offered space without expectation. They didn’t offer some magic cure. They offered unconditional support to watch me unfold. They didn’t give me answers, but they were patient with me while I found them myself. They didn’t pad my ego but instead told me the truth. In turn, I was able to become more complete.

When things got weird, and I got weird, as I do, they continued to show up. They showed me my fear was unfounded each time I was scared. Sometimes we agree and sometimes we don’t.

Their perspectives have shifted the way I view myself, the work I do and the world at large.

I am not sure words can do justice to what this person has given me, which is the space to become without judgment.

Who knew meeting someone could completely change your life?

I mean, completely change it.

Yes, I put in the work. Yes, I stayed when I got uncomfortable, when it would have been so easy to run. I am pretty sure it was hard dealing with me in certain moments.

They stayed.

Because of this “chance” meeting, me saying “yes” to myself and a conversation, my life has completely changed.

This person had the codes I needed, so I chose to stay present even when I felt big emotions. I stayed when my body and mind told me to run, not because it wasn’t safe, but because it was.

Did you know safety can feel dangerous if you aren't used to it?

Yeah, come to find out, it's a thing.

From day one, they worked to create a safe space for me to land, even when they didn’t know me. They mirrored back to me what I needed to change to move forward. Where I was accepting less than I deserved. Where I needed to hold boundaries. Where I needed to let the fuck go and put down the backpack full of shit I no longer needed.

It was like I was trying to climb this mountain with shit I didn’t need, and the weight was crushing me, and my hands were bleeding from gripping the rope so tight.

They showed up imperfect and as a mystery I couldn’t seem to fully figure out, even with my amazing skills (barf) in pattern recognition and reading energy. Did I actually want to "figure them out"? No. I allow them to show me who they are.

Was choosing to show up was one of the best things I could have ever done in my life?

Absolutely.

So, guess what? I had to stop trying to figure things out, in general, and just let shit go, laid it down and let it be what it was/is going to be. Put away the need to control outcomes, even if it was subconscious.

I was always looking for the next way someone was going to leave or hurt me so I could jump first if I needed to. Fuck if this wasn't mirrored for me.

I didn't know at the time that was what I was doing.

When I saw it, that realization hurt.

They have been a safe place to land. A place where I learned to stop performing. A place where I removed all masks, eventually. Learned to be vulnerable, eventually. A place where I have learned so many things about myself and life in general.

I have broken in front of this person, over and over again, and I have allowed them to see me in the descent, the ugly pain I was feeling, the integration and the rise, each time.

They have taught me life is full of contradictions and truth is what you choose it to be.

I have allowed them into my energy, which is not something I allowed in this way before. To move my body in ways I never allowed others. I allowed myself to fully let go while in their presence. To be me, whatever that meant in the moment.

During these times of dropping into myself, they held space for me. Never expected anything from me. Showed unconditional love and care for me. Held me in everything I was.

When I broke and cried, they held me.

When I would rise, they would hold space for me, support me and bring me back down to earth and ground me if I needed it.

All of this in the midst of their own life and whatever they may have had going on at the time.

Always telling me things I needed to hear, even if some of it was stuff I didn’t want to hear and challenging me in ways that made me do better for me.

I have become a stronger woman because of the way this person has held me over the years. Believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Showed me how to get out of my own fucking head and way and into my body. Shown me that all sides of me, including the places I felt too much, were accepted.

They have been a guide, never giving me the answers and always showing me when I already knew deep down what I was seeking.

How to say yes.

How to say "no" and what true consent looked like.

They showed me that I held all of the power I needed to become who I am now and who I am meant to be.

The relationship ebbed and flowed, and even though my wounds wanted to fight it, I just let it be what it was.

Was it easy? No.

Did it get easier the more I showed up? Yes.

Did I cry tears they didn’t even see or know about? Yes.

Did I learn a shit ton in the process?

Also, yes.

They deserved the real me. Not some wounded or masked version. I deserved to show up fully for myself.

Did I give myself every reason and excuse not to show up, even from the beginning because it felt scary? Absolutely yes.

But did I choose to show up anyway, and did I experience profound changes each time?

Also, YES.

I was always grateful I decided to show up, when sometimes, I had to fight myself to get to my appointments.

They always showed up.

So, I showed up. Maybe not in the best shape, but I showed up.

I stopped assuming shit and just let things unfold. This showed me I didn’t need to always worry about the other person and showed me how communication actually works. How to breathe into life. How to free myself.

Never in my life had I ever experienced something like this.

I started speaking up and showing up differently in my life.

I stopped being scared, mostly.

Even with life being crazy, somehow, we have both reached a new homeostasis.

Even if our lives part one day, which I hope they don’t, this person—oh shit, I am going to cry—will always be one of the most important, amazing and magical people I have ever met and worked with.

Words will never express what my soul knows or feels.

They taught me what it really meant to love and accept myself. To be fully accepted in all of me. That relationships can ebb and flow and it doesn’t mean you or the other person has to leave.

For the first time in my life, I am really learning to love ME.

I am learning to slow down. Trust the process. Care for myself without force. Stay present. Accept things and allow them to flow. Repair rupture without fear. That all of me is not too much, even when I feel like it is. How I want to respond or react. What the things are that make me, me.

They showed me where I am avoiding shit.

They also inspired a lot of what has become my teachings today and the undercurrent of everything, which is Perpetual Alchemy.

They also taught me how to better show up for others in different capacities, how to stay, how to let go, and so many other things.

Why am I sharing this?

We are all imperfect humans with beliefs, emotions, wounds, not enough life experience, and sometimes someone will come along and challenge everything you have known and everything you know about yourself. Let them.

You might end up fucking around and finding out how magical you and others can be.

You may find out you are the problem, and sometimes you will find out you were not the problem when you were taught to believe your existence was a burden from birth.

Maybe everything you had become was based on outdated conditioning and programming.

You may fuck around so hard you finally look in the mirror and see you, with new eyes that the doctors once told you couldn’t be healed.

You may start the long process of healing yourself—mind, body and soul.

Your life may completely change and burn down so you can uncover who you have been all along.

Saying "yes" to myself 2.5 years ago led to the most profound change since having my daughter 16 years ago.

Don’t run or avoid.

You may just end up becoming the most whole you have been.

I have told this person how grateful I am, but I am pretty sure they don’t really understand the extent to which they have changed my life. How their magic on all levels and their beautiful mind have changed how I view myself, others and the world. How they modeled so much for me by just being themselves.

I never in my life thought I could get to where I am.

Even in my chaos, I am continuing to build and maintain more capacity to hold myself and others without my nervous system telling me I am going to die.

I can recover so much faster by just being, ebbing and flowing and using the tools I have collected along my journey.

No, this was never a romantic relationship, but yes, this is a love letter to someone I hold so much love and gratitude and deep love for.

Not just for how they have been with me, but how they are with others. I love them for the human they are beneath it all.

Sometimes you find people in the most unexpected places and during times you weren’t looking but needed them most.

You just have to keep following the red threads to find your people.

Who knows, maybe one day, someone will say yes to a nudge they have, and you will have the ability to be that person for someone.

But the yes starts with you saying yes to yourself first and pushing past the fear.

Maybe, if you say "yes" to yourself, you will end up doing something crazy, like putting yourself in rooms where you don't feel you belong but showing up anyway and speaking at a summit or some shit, like I did yesterday. lol

I will continue to keep moving forward. I will rest. I will play. I will find my pieces. I will live life and experience it for all that it is,

Thank you for getting this far.

This is Inspired Perpeutal Alchemy.

With love,

Lizzie